Much Ado About Nothing by William ShakespeareMuch Ado About Nothing, abridged.
CLAUDIO: So, um, Hero, I sorta maybe like you a whole lot will you go to the prom with me?
HERO: We should get married! Squeeeeeee!
BEATRICE: Pfft. Love is for stupid losers who are stupid.
BENEDICK: You know, you might get laid more often if you werenít such a cynical bitch all the time.
BEATRICE: Fuck you.
BENEDICK: Get in line, sugartits.
*audience is beaten over the head by sexual tension*
DON PEDRO: Hey everybody, I had a great idea! Letís make Beatrice and Benedick fall in love!
EVERYONE: YAY! MEDDLING!
PRINCE JOHN: So, I think Iím going to break up Claudio and Hero.
BORACHIO: Really? Thatís your dastardly scheme? How do we possibly benefit from that?
PRINCE JOHN: No, see, I donít like Claudio because my half-brother likes him, and I hate my half brother, soÖwait. Okay, so itís actually a really pointless plan that only serves to create conflict. But itís the only way I get any good scenes in this thing, so MISCHIEF AHOY!
BORACHIO AND CONRADE: YAY!
BEATRICE: Hey Benedick, you still suck donkey balls.
BENEDICK: I fart in your general direction! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
BEATRICE: I dont want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper!
PRINCE JOHN: So guess what Claudio? Your woman totally cheated on you. I saw, I was there.
CLAUDIO: OMG I HATE THAT WHORE.
DON PEDRO: Despite the fact that heís a bastard in all senses of the word and has no reason to be helping me or my friends, I think we should believe John without proof or even asking Heroís side of the story.
CLAUDIO: Hero, youíre a shameless whore and I hate your stupid face!
PRIEST: Great job, now Heroís dead from sad.
CLAUDIO: OMG I AM SO REMORSEFUL. FORGIVE ME, DEAD HERO!
HERO: Pysche! Iím really okay!
BEATRICE: Luckily THIS time the priestís idea to fake a girlís death to solve all her problems actually worked, instead of backfiring horribly.
BENEDICK: Hey, thatís pretty funny. You know, I guess youíre not that bad. I think I love you, and stuff.
BEATRICE: Yeah, I guess I kind of love you too.
ANTONIO: Close enough. Now off to kill Prince John!
Much Ado About Nothing
In Messina, as Don Pedro, the Prince of Arragon, and his officers return from a recently concluded war, a message comes to Leonato that the prince intends to visit his house for a month. Don John plots with the soldiers, Borachio and Conrade, to deceive Claudio into believing Hero is false to him. Hero and Don Pedro meanwhile are convinced that Benedick and Beatrice are ideal partners and by means of overheard conversations the two realise they do indeed love one another. At the wedding Claudio denounces Hero and leaves her apparently dead from shock, while her father, Beatrice and Benedick, amazed at the situation, decide that with the aid of the priest. Help is at hand as the village constable, Dogberry, and his assistants have arrested Borachio and Conrade after overhearing them boasting of their deception of Claudio and the Duke. Don John has been captured while trying to escape and is left for future trial while the play ends with a merry dance.
Much Ado About Nothing is a comedy by William Shakespeare thought to have been written in and , as Shakespeare was approaching the middle of his career.
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MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING BY SHAKESPEARE - SUMMARY, THEME, CHARACTERS & SETTING
The war is over. Claudio falls in love with Hero and their marriage is agreed upon. Beatrice and Benedick despise love and engage in comic banter. The others plot to make them fall in love with each other, by a trick in which Benedick will overhear his friends talking of Beatrice's supposed secret love for him, and vice versa. Meanwhile Don John, the prince's misanthropic illegitimate brother, contrives a more malicious plot with the assistance of his follower Borachio: Claudio is led to believe that he has witnessed Hero in a compromising situation on the night before her wedding day ó in fact it is her maid Margaret with Borachio.